Life has been beyond challenging lately.
I had to take a break from writing publicly. It seems as though every time I get started on a blog project, my blatant candor and honesty hurts someone’s feelings.
And because I deeply feel what other people feel, it causes me to retreat, re-evaluate, and regroup.
After writing this post here, there were a fair amount of hurt feelings. Funny, I didn’t even realize that many people were reading my blog.
I have stewed and lamented about it for 2 months….so much so that it almost paralyzed me.
That is, until this past weekend.
I ran into an old friend at the farmer’s market. We walked and talked while we drank organic coffee, ate some olive salsa, (YUMMO) and our kids played. At one point he turned and looked me directly in the eye and completely changed the subject by saying, “Angie, why aren’t you writing?”
I what he meant. I knew full well he was referring to my music. But instead I started talking about this blog, and how stifled I feel when I can’t just be myself and be transparent.
He looked amused. I asked what was so damn funny.
He said “Lady, why are you still letting other people decide what makes you happy?”
He went on.
He proceeded to tell me alllllll about myself. He said that he missed my music. He said that he missed my sense of humor, and honesty, and quirky way of sharing my viewpoint with the world. He also said that I’m 40 and a big girl now, and that it’s high time to be myself.
And strangely, it didn’t hurt me at all.
Well…maybe a little.
But nevertheless, I threw my arms around him and thanked him for his admonition.
The past couple of months have been incredibly painful. As a single mom of two children, one of which has Autism, life is already challenging.
Just since May, I have lost a longtime friend.
My mentor got a new job and moved on.
My best friend moved to another state.
Zion’s expenses have reached a point that I can no longer manage them on my own.
So since the universe has decided to rearrange my life, napalm style, I am going to write. It is what I do.
I just have to learn to speak my mind, and understand that while it is important to have a filter, the only feelings I am responsible for are my own.
Thanks for the reminder, Steve.
P.S. That coffee was terrible. But it was the best cup of joe I’ve ever had. xo