Falling

Falling is a funny thing.

I’m typically mid-fall before I even know I’m doing it.

Funnier still, this applies to every kind of falling.

Falling down.

Falling in love.

Even falling apart.

Last Monday I fell apart. And when I say fell apart, I mean an all-out, shrieking, ugly cry-fest that would have put a teenage drama queen to shame.

Even worse?

It was in front of my mom.

Remember that scene from Forrest Gump? The one when Lieutenant Dan was screaming at God on the ship during the storm?

Yep, that was me.

I broke. I completely broke. I was sobbing and yelling, at the same time. And it was pouring out so fast, mom couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

So she just cried with me.

So for my Only-Parent moms everywhere, this rant is for you.

I am tired of being the Only Parent.

I am exhausted from doing it alone.

I work 50 hours a week for a paycheck that doesn’t even cover our bills, yet somehow I don’t qualify for assistance. I make decent money…but raising a child with special needs is friggin expensive.

I lovingly bust my hump every single day, to pay for TWO insurance policies for a child who pulls away when I try to hold him.

There is no child support. Or food stamps. Or mortgage relief.

I am in this income grey-area somewhere between not making enough to survive, but making too much to receive any help.

My friends think I have become anti-social. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just don’t have time for a social life.

There are days, like last Monday, when I just feel abandoned. By God, by loved ones, by those who choose to look away.

I have heard, through the grapevine, that some people have me blocked on social media because my fundraising is a “nuisance.”

I have no way of knowing if this is true, but I can tell you this:

It IS a nuisance. It makes me nuts. It is completely demoralizing. I would love to be in a position to never have to ask anyone for anything ever, ever again.

But even if my kids and I are living in a van down by the river, (R.I.P. Chris Farley) I will do whatever it takes to give them the opportunities they deserve.

Two things are giving me hope this morning.

Every great comeback story started at rock bottom.

And sometimes when things seem to be falling apart, they are actually falling into place.

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