Fed Up

pulling-hair-out

Today I really don’t feel like writing.

I have a bad attitude, I admit it.

Today I am overwhelmed, and I just don’t wanna.

But instead of laying in bed eating Krispy Kremes and feeling sorry for myself, I am going to write.

Why?

Because last November two young men handed me a huge check to help pay for Zion’s ABA therapy, and I made one of them a promise.  I promised I would start writing again.

So I write.

Some blog entries are butterflies and rainbows and viral-material.

Today I am just going to rant.

Zion is on my last nerve.  He just is.  I am tired of the pre-pubescent mood swings.  This kid bawls his eyes out about everything and absolutely nothing at all.  Thursday evening he bawled because he couldn’t get the last scrap of aluminum lid torn off of the applesauce container.  Yesterday at my mom’s house he cried hard for 20 minutes because she couldn’t draw a picture of the goat exactly the way he wanted.  Last night he sobbed endlessly because he couldn’t find his Cinderella VHS tape, and he thought I had taken it.  (Yes, we do have a VCR…and GAWD no, I would never take that tape.)  This morning he cried because he wanted to jump on the snow-covered trampoline at 6:30 a.m. Right now he is crying because I won’t let him eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch out of the box in his underoos.

The phrase “I’ll give you something to cry about” has lost all meaning, because he literally cries about everything.

Right now I want to kick autism swiftly in the jittles.

But instead I write.

Zion is also obsessed with electronics.  In the car, he wants control of Pandora radio.  And can we listen to something bearable?  Oh nooooooooooooo, it has to be Pandora Disney.  The same songs over and over and over and over again.

Think I’m exaggerating?

Turn it on for 2 hours.

It is an endless somersault of Walt Disney hell.

The. Same. Songs. Over. And. Over.

I Just Can’t Wait to be King.

Be Our Guest.

Let it Go.

Part of Your World.

I Wanna be Like You.

You Ain’t Never Had a Friend Like Me.

Over and over and over again.

After a few weeks of this, I have a permanent eye-tick and an invitation for Walt Disney to line up for his own jittle-kicking.

GAW.

And that’s just in the car.  The second we exit the car and enter the house, Zion wants the iPad to watch Surprise Eggs.  If for some reason I need the iPad, God forbid, to look up a recipe or check my e-mail, he immediately asks to watch movies in the media room.

Now before you feel too sorry for us, remember that Zoë and I can laugh at just about anything.  As heartless as it may sound, sometimes we just go into the other room and collapse on the couch together and giggle.

We have to.  It is the only thing that keeps us sane.

But I am going to be honest.  Even though I can laugh at a lot, there are some days I do not even want to get out of bed.

Don’t we all have those days?

I know I sure do.

Days when Zion won’t stop bawling, or Zoë is having her own tween moment over hair or girl friends or her annoying little brother, or I have gained at my Weight Watchers weigh-in, or the furnace breaks, or the dog won’t stop barking, or it snows 6 inches and the snow shovel is broken, or….all of the above in the same day.

Sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we want.  Or the way we planned.

But we suck it up and we do things we don’t want to do, because we are creatures who do things out of love, not desire.

That includes writing when I don’t want to.

And kissing away tears when I’d rather scream at the top of my lungs.

And searching for that Cinderella movie even though I’m secretly hoping it grew legs and wandered off into the night.

Parenting is truly a daily act of dying to self, for all of us, and putting that beautiful little child’s desires before our own.

Even when it hurts.  Especially when it hurts.

And yes, even when that means listening to friggin Pandora Disney when I’d rather eat lint.

 

 

  One thought on “Fed Up

  1. Diane wicklund
    February 23, 2015 at 6:22 am

    You are a wonderful person, a wonderful mother and a beautiful woman but…….. Allow yourself to be human! Heck I feel like you and all I have to do is take care of myself and the dog! Your challenges are EVERY DAY with a rare break from the relentless decision making of providing a loving, safe home for your family! Bitch a little ! it is good for your blood pressure!
    Love always Diane

    • March 1, 2015 at 1:36 pm

      Thanks so much, Diane. You understand the struggle, and always advocated for us most of all. I certainly appreciate the support! xo

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