Autism is fascinating to me.
Don’t get me wrong, most days I want to kick it square in the jittles, but yes…fascinating.
Sometimes I just sit and watch Zion, as though starting at him for long periods of time will allow me to actually see inside him.
I would do anything to know what’s going on in there.
Yesterday I just stared at him for what seemed like hours.
I have many questions. So very many questions.
For example, how is it that he still knows every single word to a movie he saw 6 years ago, yet when I ask him where his shoes are, he can only reply “yes”?
Why is it that he will eat paper, but he won’t eat food that is touching on his plate?
I am curious to know how he knows right from left when I’m driving, but not when he’s putting on his shoes.
I would love to know why on weekdays he can sleep until 10am, but somehow on the weekends he is up by 7.
I want to know what is so friggin funny about The Spongebob Squarepants movie, that Zion must fall down on the floor and giggle until he has tears pouring down his face.
I have tears pouring down my face when I hear Spongebob, but for a very different reason.
Ahhhh Zion. I love ya buddy.
Now as hard as I try to understand my son, I honestly wish he understood a little of what I’m going through right now. I wish he could appreciate how hard I am working to provide for him, to make sure he has the best education available. I wish he knew how much I love him. I wish he knew that sometimes I stay up late at night worrying about his future. I wish he knew what a great and supportive family he has. I wish he knew how hard I am working to overcome the vices I have always used to comfort myself. I wish he knew that this is the first time in my life I have not had a single vice, and that I am coping with sheer will and determination alone.
I haven’t had a glass of wine in months. Or a cigarette in years. Or a giant bowl of ice cream in, gaw, I don’t know how long.
But it doesn’t really matter if he knows those things. I don’t even know why I need for him to know.
I suppose I just want to feel appreciated.
There are days that I feel like he is lost in Disney movies and iPads and video games. And then he brings me a book, and reads the entire thing to me without making a single mistake. Or he’ll bring full pages of completed math problems. Or pages and pages of bible verses, written in perfect penmanship.
These are the days that spurn me on to keep fighting for him. And to keep fundraising. And to keep loving that little boy with all my might.
Yesterday my mom took the kids for the day so I could get caught up on posting our new work online:
Zoë and I have poured ourselves into these new pieces. We have learned so much from online classes and training videos.
Yes, I do it because I love it. But I also do it because I have to.
It would help us greatly if you could just buy from us, instead of a big corporation. Just buy a pair of earrings. Spend $15-20 on something pretty for yourself. Or for a friend. You will receive a sterling silver heirloom that will last forever, and help us in the process.
You can purchase our work at www.etsy.com/shop/zoesstarfish. And if you buy today you can save 25% by using coupon code: TEAMZION25
I don’t love to beg. But I do love a little boy who needs me to keep busting my hump.
We have raised a lot of money this year. More than I ever could have imagined.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I have been working so hard on this. And I am proud of it. I am up most days by 4am. My fingertips are torn up from all of the metal work. I am pretty sure I have developed arthritis in my right hand. In fact, last night it looked a little like THE CLAW from the movie Liar Liar.
But it’s worth it.
Regardless of how much time I spend hammering metal and asking for help and inundating social media with my work via photos and tweets and status updates, my best work of all is still this:
We love our starfish throwers. xoxo